Reality testing as a cure

It is difficult to objectively assess our own capabilities and strengths. We tend to underestimate them, but we much more overestimate them.

Let me give you a frequent example.

A student believes he can prepare for a difficult exam in ten days. Ten days before the exam he sits down to study, full of confidence. After a few pages he realizes that he can barely understand anything. He struggles to distinguish what is important from what is not. 

After struggling, he takes a break to regain his energy. He returns to study convinced that he still has enough time to catch up. However, when he sits to study again, none of that happens. He can barely concentrate, and little of what he reads sticks. As the day draws to end he becomes tired, so he decides that tomorrow will be better. And one day passes, then another, then another, until the exam arrives, and he has barely made any progress at all.

Of course, sometimes we simply struggle to accurately estimate how much time and effort a task will require. However, there is something else here at play:

The way he saw himself - his capabilities, strengths, and skills - did not match reality when he put them to the test.

The student believed that he could achieve something in a short period. But given his current knowledge, working habits and capacities, it required much more time. He has overestimated his own capabilities.

In many cases people have a certain image of themselves, and based on that image they imagine how things will unfold. However, when facing reality, they discover that their abilities do not match what they had imagined.

Fantasy and self-image

Freud explored the way psyche tries to adapt our desires with the demands of reality. While the Pleasure Principle seeks the immediate gratification of our desires, the Reality Principle requires us to take possible consequences of our actions into account. So, we suppress or deny our drives.

Is there a way that our psyche can satisfy desires, simultaneously avoiding Reality Principle? Freud recognized that this could be done through Fantasy.

Through fantasy we can satisfy desires without directly confronting the criticism, judgment, failure, or rejection that pursuing them in real life might bring. 

However, fantasy does not serve only to satisfy desires. It goes further than that.

It can serve another purpose: improving the image we have of ourselves.

More often than we realize, we use our imagination to compensate for what we lack, minimize feelings of insecurity, and protect ourselves from the things we find unpleasant.

Imagine someone who feels physically weak and insecure. In his imagination he sees himself as someone nobody can stand up to, who defeats even much stronger opponents. In these scenarios he is no longer weak and helpless. He is strong, dominant, and untouchable. This kind of fantasy can provide him with a temporary sense of power that he lacks.

Or imagine someone who feels intellectually inadequate and verbally unskilled. He immerses himself in fantasies in which he wins intellectual battles, every time comes up with perfect arguments and earns the admiration of an audience. In these imagined situations he is perceptive, eloquent, and superior. The image of victory and admiration makes him feel wiser and more confident.

If this image is never tested in real debates, a person may begin to confuse imagined with actual ability. Every imagined victory gives him a sense of intellectual superiority, while simultaneously sparing him the possibility of discovering where his real limitations are.

The Problem Fantasy Creates

When self-image is built primarily on fantasy, certainly it can lessen discomfort. But that comes at a cost.

It is like a person in the desert, without water, holding a small stone in his mouth to stimulate saliva production and trick mind into thinking he’s less thirsty. The stone may bring temporary relief, but it cannot replace the water he needs. 

In a similar way, fantasy can temporarily soothe our dissatisfaction, but it cannot replace the real-life experiences through which we discover our abilities and develop skills.

The more they rely on that image, the harder it becomes to accept fact that they are not the person they imagine themselves to be. Sense of self-worth is becoming dependent on beliefs that have never been tested.

At that point, the protection of created image becomes more important than the willingness to put our abilities to the test. And, as a result, they may begin to avoid situations that could expose them. They avoid situations and experiences that might provoke the image into question.

Someone who sees themselves as exceptionally intelligent will start to avoid conversations in which they might be wrong or look stupid, or avoid people whom he considers smarter than him, or narrow down events where his intelligence can be challenged.

Although they may be aware that there is a gap between what they imagine and what they do, they may still cling to that image because it gives them a sense of security and confidence. Avoidance can protect a person’s self-image, but at the same time it prevents them from developing their real abilities. 

When they find themselves in a situation where they can no longer rely on their fantasy - they may experience strong anxiety, apathy, and an inability to act.

And let me tell you something - nobody is immune to this.

Regardless of how rational we consider ourselves to be - to a greater or lesser extent, if we look deep down, we can find in us a fantasy that provides relief and a reality we avoid.

Of course, not every fantasy is problematic. An image of the person we would like to become can motivate us to learn, practice, take risks, and change our lives.

The difference lies in what we do with that image:

1.We can use it as a direction in which we want to grow.

2.We can also use it as a substitute for growth.

In the first case, it encourages us to confront reality.

In the second, it allows us to feel as though we have already become the person we want to be.

So, how should we check where we stand?

Reality Testing

If we take Freud’s idea as a starting point, we can arrive at an important conclusion:

Testing reality is crucial in developing a stable sense of self and a mature form of self-esteem.

Reality testing involves examining the image we have constructed of ourselves, as well as the fantasies that sustain that image.

Consider a man who believes he is physically strong and can fight against people twice his size. What happens when he decides to test his assumptions against reality? Perhaps he attends a single martial arts training session and discovers that he is being beaten by people much younger than himself, some of whom are even thinner.

The experience may be unpleasant, even painful, but it also helps him develop a more realistic understanding of his abilities and recognize real potential. He can now identify his weaknesses. Perhaps this motivates him to start training regularly and move closer to the person he once imagined himself to be.

The difference is that he no longer relies solely on the fantasy to feel powerful. He begins working toward becoming stronger.

As he narrows the gap between who he is and who he wants to be, he gradually develops a stable sense of self-worth. He no longer needs to avoid situations in which his abilities might be called into question, because he increasingly understands what he still needs to work on. He begins to free himself from something that may be among the hardest things - to let go of the illusion he has about himself.

When a person begins to test their beliefs against reality, they gradually move away from an image that serves their narcissism.

The more experience they gain, and the more willing they are to accept what that experience reveals, the less need there is for fantasy to protect their self-image.

At first, this may feel like a loss of stability. But what they are losing is a false sense of stability, built on an image of themselves that they constantly must defend.

After all, perfection cannot grow. If you already believe you are perfect, there is no room for improvement. You have an image to maintain, and every experience that threatens it becomes something to avoid.

What, then, do they gain?

They gain the opportunity to reshape self-image, develop a more realistic understanding of their abilities, and make genuine progress.

The point is not to destroy the image of the person you want to become or to abandon your ideals. 

The point is to stop pretending that you have already become that person.

You can hold on to your ideal without clinging to the illusion that you already embody it.

Do it on a spoon 

Reality testing is simple in principle, but that does not mean it is easy. The hardest part is being willing to face what you might discover about yourself, especially when it contradicts something you have believed for years.

Take a challenge:

If you think you are incredibly strong - do just one workout in gym. If you think you are intelligent - go to intellectual debates about topics you care. If you think you have a good sense of humor – try stand up comedy. Simply try everything you believe you are good at, but never test.

There is no guarantee that what you discover will bring immediate relief. You may initially feel disappointed or ashamed. You may have to let go of an image of yourself that you have held on to for a long time.

At least you will no longer have to rely on an imagined version of yourself to determine who you are. 

Instead of protecting the image of the person you believe yourself to be, you will have the opportunity to gradually become the person you want to be.